Revelations

I have decided that my self worth is more than what I have quantified it in the past.

That I have dignity.

That I am good.

That I am beautiful.

That I am strong.

That I can be independent. 

That I can be a woman that my daughter will look up to one day.

That I have a duty to myself to love myself more than anyone else (except my kids).


This is what I have realized over the last couple weeks.  That nobody can make me happy and that only can come from within myself.  That I can share my happiness with my husband but I can not look to him for it.  It's been an eye opening experience to say the least.

So that is what I will do.  It won't be easy and it won't happen overnight...but little by little I am going to be independent.  I want to become happy again.  I want to find women (probably with children) that I can surround myself with for friendship.  I want to keep in touch with the women that I am already friends with and make sure those ties don't break even if most of them live many miles away from me.  I want to return to the workforce full time or darn close to it so I can contribute to our household as an equal. So maybe the more I work the less my husband has to and we can spend the time that we have so horribly neglected in the past together. 

Nothing excuses what he did to me and his family...nothing ever will excuse it.  It's something that we both will have to forgive.  My husband lost respect for me somewhere along the line and I am standing up for myself demanding that respect back.  I am accepting nothing short of it.

I want to right this ship.  I want to pull it out of the vortex that has been spinning and picking up speed for so long.  I can't do it alone so I look to my husband to do his share.  I ask of him nothing more than what I am willing to give myself.  And if he bails out of this marriage again then I'll pick up the pieces he left and go on without him.  Because my kids deserve it.  Because I deserve it. 

I won't love someone else to my own death.  Not anymore. 

I am trying...

What do you do when someone is about to make the worst decision of their life? 


You do nothing.  You pray they see what they are doing but you do nothing.  Because honestly there isn't anything you can do.  Accepting that fact is extremely hard.  But I am trying.  It's even harder when you love someone....I wish I didn't.  But I am trying.

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been different" - Oprah

I love that.  And I am so so not there yet.

I'm done

I'm done.  I'm done feeling like I'm the only one trying to fix this marriage.  I'm done pulling my weight and his...he did this.  He made this mess.  He decided to have this affair.  I did not.  He did. He destroyed our relationship even if it was already on it's way down.  He did THIS!

So when I am the one that is talking to him openly and honestly...of reassuring him that I'm here to stay....of reading articles about infidelity to understand....to stalking an infidelity forum....to sending texts to him saying I appreciate him doing xyz....to trying to act normal for his sake....to understanding that working out at the gym is important to him and allowing him to continue at the same gym that he found "her"...I'm just FUCKING done. 

He should be doing all of these things.  He should be the one spending every minute of every day figuring out what to do to make me feel loved and secure...to make me feel that our new marriage is off on the right track.  He has chosen to not do any of these things. So I am done. 

If he wants this to work then he needs to decide how important his family and I are to him and start doing what he needs to.  Because soon he is going to look around and I am not going to care anymore.  I will have given up on us as sad as that makes me.

Because I am done and I am tired.  I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and it's crushing me. 

I know my thoughts seem disjointed from day to day...they are.

12 years will not be destroyed by 2 weeks.  It will not.  It can not. 

I have to hold fast to the idea that those 2 weeks of the affair and the 2 weeks of him not wanting to be married to me can not define the man he is.  If he is willing to work on this marriage...the one that he vowed to cherish in front of our family and friends then I have to do whatever I can to help myself forgive him.  To help myself try to heal this relationship. 

This doesn't define the man he is.  This doesn't define the marriage we have.  This will not define our love. 

It will not because we won't let it.

Soul mate

I wish I had a marriage untouched by infidelity. 

The innocence of it.  The feeling of "you are my best friend and you will never hurt me". 

It's gone.  Does it come back?  I have no idea.  I can't say my husband is my best friend like I used to say...because right now he isn't.  I can't say he will never hurt me...because he did.  That thought that my marriage is beautiful is foreign to me now.  It's not beautiful.  Can it be?  Maybe.  I hope.  I wish.  It's not secure.  My vows were thrown in the dirt and spit on.  How is that beautiful? 

I feel like my faith in marriage is shattered.  I find myself seeing people get married and post their photos on facebook and I think to myself "just wait".  How horrible.  I can honestly say that I thought my marriage would never end...that my husband was my soul mate.  He was my soul mate.  Was I wrong?  How can you be so very wrong about someone you love so much?  God damn it he was my soul mate I thought. 

I think I am just angry right now.  I'm angry that this is my life right now and I hate it.

My husband's pain

As hurt as I am I try to take a little while each day and think about my husband's feelings.  What is he going through?  Does he hate himself?  Does he not think about his affair and what he did to his family because it hurts too much?  Is this why he doesn't want to talk about it with me even though I want to and need to?

I mean, a man doesn't do this to his family for nothing right?  What was going on in his head at the time?  During that week of "talking" to her (aka lusting after/fantasizing about a life with her) leading up to the kiss what was going on with him?  How could he do this and not think about his wife and kids even once?  He must have had extreme stress and pain of his own to do this.  Had to of.  Because a happy person doesn't do this to their family.  He was clearly not a happy person. 

I am so incredibly sad that my husband wasn't happy.  Really neither was I but in my head it was all external factors with money issues and time issues that was making me unhappy so I was "okay".  I knew there was an end to the unhappiness.  He himself and the family we made made me happy.  That was enough.

I hate even now today he seems so incredibly unhappy.  He's quiet.  He's tired.  He hates commuting.  He hates being in his car.  He hates where we live.  He hates the stress of our 3 year old being a 3 year old.  Our infant constantly cries and I can't really think of a moment where he seems to be enjoying her.  I remember seeing such joy and love in his eyes when he held and looked at our son at that age but I haven't seen that with our daughter.  I know he loves her...but it seems different.  

What does he love?  I want him to love life.  I want him to love coming home to us.  I want him to look forward to tomorrow.  He doesn't and it kills me.  I never wanted my husband to hate so much. 
 
And I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to help this.