Will you forgive me?

He asked me if I'd ever forgive him? 

Well...yes.  Eventually.

 Now?  Absolutely not. 

How can I forgive any time soon when I literally feel broken in a million pieces.  You can't forgive when you hurt so so bad. 

I just learned about this affair.  I think I have pretty much the entire story now thanks to my husband's brutal honesty in his answers when I ask the questions.  Often questions I hear coming out of my mouth but I don't want the answer.  Deep down I need the answer so there are no speculations but damn it's hard to hear what he has said.

So I will eventually forgive.  I will have to see our new therapist a bunch I think.  I will have to forgive part by part.  But yes I will forgive.  Not for him though and our marriage...but for myself.  Because I don't think I will ever be healed and stable in our marriage until I have some sort of peace in my own heart.  Even if we divorce I will never heal if I don't forgive him...it has to be done.

Will I forget?  Unfortunately no.  This is not something you can ever forget.  My only hope is that the time span in between remembering gets longer and longer.