We are still together.  Surprising I know.  I've been struggling lately and my husband doesn't understand why I am.  Well, let's start with the coldness that he displays.  The disconnection that he exudes.  The same quiet "nothing" that was happening before the affair is happening now.  It sucks.

Expectations of what a marriage should be like and reality are totally different beasts.  I often wonder if I am expecting too much.  That our marriage will never live up to what I would like because it's warped in my head of what it should be like. 

But then again, other marriages have these qualities that I want.  I don't feel like I am asking too much. 

I want a hug.  Unprompted and unexpected here and there.  A hug to let me know that he wants to feel me in his arms and feel my heartbeat against his chest.  I don't ask to snuggle for hours.  Or minutes.  10 seconds of "I love you and I want to feel your warmth".  That's it.  Is that so hard?  Why on earth do I not deserve that? 

The answer is I do.  I deserve to be hugged by my husband.  When he doesn't hug me, when he returns from work and doesn't do it my expectation of what is right in a marriage gets violated.  I get upset.  His coldness and distant attitude is painful for me.

I want kind words.  I want simple little phrases that would make my heart swell in happiness if he said them.  A simple "you looked really nice today, just wanted you to know"...."I can't wait to spend friday evening with you and the kids".  Simple right?  What on earth do I not deserve that? 

I feel so alone.  This is a lonely  marriage right now and I hate it.  I want a good husband and I want to be a good wife.  I want a good marriage for our beautiful kids.