"Bad" days

"Bad" days suck.  Really bad.  You feel like you are doing soooo much better and then one thing can happen...one bad dream about your husband being with the other woman...one awful trigger can spiral you back down to feeling horrible.

My husband still thinks about the other woman here and there...he doesn't want to and is trying to make it stop.  But yet she still persists in his brain.  It makes me sad and pissed.  How dare she inhabit any part of his mind still.  I want her gone and I want it now.  I know that's not how it works but oh well...I still wish it were so.

He still wonders what "could have been?"  That hurts even more.  Why does he care?  I wish he'd focus on what he could do for OUR relationship.  What he should have done at the time of the affair to save OUR marriage.  But he still wonders what he could have done differently with HER. 

It's painful.  This whole thing is painful.  I just want to feel secure and loved and good enough.  That's it.  It's really quite simple when you think about it.

Love is a Choice

We are doing tiny baby steps and sometimes great huge strides and choosing to fall back in love with each other.  I have realized that love is a choice.  It is a choice to love him.  It's a choice for him to love me.  I wake up and think of all the reasons that I married him.  All the reasons I choose him to be the father of our children.  I could think of all the reasons I could hate him and all the reasons why I shouldn't care anymore...but I don't. 

I look at our wedding photos and realize that the love I felt for him on that day is the same love I feel now...even with the affair.  The affair rocked our world but when it comes down to it the adoration and love I felt then is the same as now. 

It's a comforting feeling...it makes me think that we will be okay in the long run.  That we both are choosing to look at all the great things about each other and our relationship instead of the bad.  It's not naivety per say...it's the choice we are making.

We still have a lot of work to do but I think the hardest part is over...we made our decision on what we both want and it's each other.  Now it's just time to do what needs to be done to ensure that happens. 

I am so excited for our new beginning...our fresh new start. 
 

Hope

Life is a bitch sometimes.  It dishes out more than you can handle...it beats at you with pain and disappointment.  Financial troubles eat at your ability to think straight and people shut down.  The loss of pregnancies tore at my soul and I shut down. 

That is what happened to us.  We were a bonded couple and I truly believe that we were meant to be together forever.  But life got in the way.  Stupid unfair life. 

Neither one us deserved this....we worked so hard to get a home, an education, our family and for what?  A foreclosure notice, debt and now a failing marriage with two innocent kids.  It is unreal to me that this is even happening to us.

My husband has now given up.  He no longer wants to be with me because he is "tired".  He wants the same feelings that the other woman gave him.  What he doesn't believe in right now is that I can do that....we can heal from this with time and be the couple we once were; a better couple than we once were. 

I just need him to not lose hope in us so we can stay together and be the family that I always dreamed of, the family that I planned with him. The family that our kids deserve.

I am not weak

I am a woman who didn't take the easy road.  I didn't.  Some may say I did because I was too dependent on my husband....it was easier to just let him come back home.  It was easier to stay married because I would lose my home, my financial security, the person who stopped for groceries in the morning and could help me care for our kids on a daily basis.

Some may say that it was those reasons I choose to work on my marriage and that I am weak. 

I can tell you...I am not weak.  I am not pitiful and pathetic and groveling at my husband's feet.  There was one moment in our initial crisis after I found out and he left that I wanted to beg.  I felt desperate.  I held on to him shaking and pleading with him to stay.  Then after he left I realized I will never do that again in my life.  I will never plead to anyone else, especially someone who had hurt me intentionally in their actions.  So I had a moment of weakness...I am not weak.

I am strong.  I am strong because giving my husband the gift of reconciliation is hard.  I would be easier to just divorce.  It would be easier to just let him go...let the pain go.  I am strong because this hurts every day and I still choose to look at that man and love him for the good that he has done.  I look at that man and I see the person that I fell in love with and choose to focus on that instead of what he did.  That is what is hard and I believe takes a good person with a big heart. 

As long as he continues to stay transparent, to show me that he is remorseful, to show me his love and mean it...I will continue to love him and work on this too.  Because I am strong. 

Perfect explanation of why I need to talk about the affair...

The original link and credit is from the forum Surviving Infidelity. 

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

"The Healing Library
Joseph's Letter

This is a post by Joseph, a member of the now defunct BAN Message Board. He wrote to this letter to his wife to explain why he asked for details of her affair.

To Whomever, I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes. You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isn’t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don’t have. Now let’s enter my reality. Let’s both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendos of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what’s the difference, it’s not important. Then later when I’m expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can’t just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it. So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don’t you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier. So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn’t come from jealousy, it doesn’t come from spitefulness, and it doesn’t come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn’t it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn’t it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can’t and the reason I can’t is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

Revelations

I have decided that my self worth is more than what I have quantified it in the past.

That I have dignity.

That I am good.

That I am beautiful.

That I am strong.

That I can be independent. 

That I can be a woman that my daughter will look up to one day.

That I have a duty to myself to love myself more than anyone else (except my kids).


This is what I have realized over the last couple weeks.  That nobody can make me happy and that only can come from within myself.  That I can share my happiness with my husband but I can not look to him for it.  It's been an eye opening experience to say the least.

So that is what I will do.  It won't be easy and it won't happen overnight...but little by little I am going to be independent.  I want to become happy again.  I want to find women (probably with children) that I can surround myself with for friendship.  I want to keep in touch with the women that I am already friends with and make sure those ties don't break even if most of them live many miles away from me.  I want to return to the workforce full time or darn close to it so I can contribute to our household as an equal. So maybe the more I work the less my husband has to and we can spend the time that we have so horribly neglected in the past together. 

Nothing excuses what he did to me and his family...nothing ever will excuse it.  It's something that we both will have to forgive.  My husband lost respect for me somewhere along the line and I am standing up for myself demanding that respect back.  I am accepting nothing short of it.

I want to right this ship.  I want to pull it out of the vortex that has been spinning and picking up speed for so long.  I can't do it alone so I look to my husband to do his share.  I ask of him nothing more than what I am willing to give myself.  And if he bails out of this marriage again then I'll pick up the pieces he left and go on without him.  Because my kids deserve it.  Because I deserve it. 

I won't love someone else to my own death.  Not anymore. 

I am trying...

What do you do when someone is about to make the worst decision of their life? 


You do nothing.  You pray they see what they are doing but you do nothing.  Because honestly there isn't anything you can do.  Accepting that fact is extremely hard.  But I am trying.  It's even harder when you love someone....I wish I didn't.  But I am trying.

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been different" - Oprah

I love that.  And I am so so not there yet.

I'm done

I'm done.  I'm done feeling like I'm the only one trying to fix this marriage.  I'm done pulling my weight and his...he did this.  He made this mess.  He decided to have this affair.  I did not.  He did. He destroyed our relationship even if it was already on it's way down.  He did THIS!

So when I am the one that is talking to him openly and honestly...of reassuring him that I'm here to stay....of reading articles about infidelity to understand....to stalking an infidelity forum....to sending texts to him saying I appreciate him doing xyz....to trying to act normal for his sake....to understanding that working out at the gym is important to him and allowing him to continue at the same gym that he found "her"...I'm just FUCKING done. 

He should be doing all of these things.  He should be the one spending every minute of every day figuring out what to do to make me feel loved and secure...to make me feel that our new marriage is off on the right track.  He has chosen to not do any of these things. So I am done. 

If he wants this to work then he needs to decide how important his family and I are to him and start doing what he needs to.  Because soon he is going to look around and I am not going to care anymore.  I will have given up on us as sad as that makes me.

Because I am done and I am tired.  I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and it's crushing me. 

I know my thoughts seem disjointed from day to day...they are.

12 years will not be destroyed by 2 weeks.  It will not.  It can not. 

I have to hold fast to the idea that those 2 weeks of the affair and the 2 weeks of him not wanting to be married to me can not define the man he is.  If he is willing to work on this marriage...the one that he vowed to cherish in front of our family and friends then I have to do whatever I can to help myself forgive him.  To help myself try to heal this relationship. 

This doesn't define the man he is.  This doesn't define the marriage we have.  This will not define our love. 

It will not because we won't let it.

Soul mate

I wish I had a marriage untouched by infidelity. 

The innocence of it.  The feeling of "you are my best friend and you will never hurt me". 

It's gone.  Does it come back?  I have no idea.  I can't say my husband is my best friend like I used to say...because right now he isn't.  I can't say he will never hurt me...because he did.  That thought that my marriage is beautiful is foreign to me now.  It's not beautiful.  Can it be?  Maybe.  I hope.  I wish.  It's not secure.  My vows were thrown in the dirt and spit on.  How is that beautiful? 

I feel like my faith in marriage is shattered.  I find myself seeing people get married and post their photos on facebook and I think to myself "just wait".  How horrible.  I can honestly say that I thought my marriage would never end...that my husband was my soul mate.  He was my soul mate.  Was I wrong?  How can you be so very wrong about someone you love so much?  God damn it he was my soul mate I thought. 

I think I am just angry right now.  I'm angry that this is my life right now and I hate it.

My husband's pain

As hurt as I am I try to take a little while each day and think about my husband's feelings.  What is he going through?  Does he hate himself?  Does he not think about his affair and what he did to his family because it hurts too much?  Is this why he doesn't want to talk about it with me even though I want to and need to?

I mean, a man doesn't do this to his family for nothing right?  What was going on in his head at the time?  During that week of "talking" to her (aka lusting after/fantasizing about a life with her) leading up to the kiss what was going on with him?  How could he do this and not think about his wife and kids even once?  He must have had extreme stress and pain of his own to do this.  Had to of.  Because a happy person doesn't do this to their family.  He was clearly not a happy person. 

I am so incredibly sad that my husband wasn't happy.  Really neither was I but in my head it was all external factors with money issues and time issues that was making me unhappy so I was "okay".  I knew there was an end to the unhappiness.  He himself and the family we made made me happy.  That was enough.

I hate even now today he seems so incredibly unhappy.  He's quiet.  He's tired.  He hates commuting.  He hates being in his car.  He hates where we live.  He hates the stress of our 3 year old being a 3 year old.  Our infant constantly cries and I can't really think of a moment where he seems to be enjoying her.  I remember seeing such joy and love in his eyes when he held and looked at our son at that age but I haven't seen that with our daughter.  I know he loves her...but it seems different.  

What does he love?  I want him to love life.  I want him to love coming home to us.  I want him to look forward to tomorrow.  He doesn't and it kills me.  I never wanted my husband to hate so much. 
 
And I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to help this.

Rambling

It's amazing how up and down my emotions are and how painful this is becoming...the shock is wearing off and it's leaving me more susceptible to the pain. 

I am still committed to make this work and a small part of me is actually hopeful for our new relationship and new marriage that may bloom out of this disaster. 

It's just hard.  So extremely hard and the horrible thoughts that swirl in my head never end.  I try to make them at least slow but they don't...the thought that my husband, the man I loved with every fiber of my being, the man that is the father of my children, the man that I've known for half of my life wanted another woman.  He wanted her because she was "fun and outgoing"...because she was perfect, because she was pretty and thin and tan.  He wanted to leave me for her and to lay in her bed.  It's sickening.

Never mind the fact that she was so very ugly inside to purposely lead on a married man with two kids.

I am the faithful one.  I am the one that loved him even with all our issues and all the hard times we've had.  I am the woman who has stuck by his side with my head held high.  I am the woman who has the scars of stretch marks on my belly because I held his beautiful children.  I am the woman who has cooked his meals, scrubbed his toilet.  I am the woman who has held him all these years...in my heart and in my arms. 

I am the perfect woman and I am beautiful.  He just didn't know that and took me for granted.  Did I make mistakes during this marriage?  Absolutely.  We both did. 

But damn it I am perfect.  He (and she) will never take that from me.

Marriage counseling session #1 down...

Our first therapy session was today.  All we did was talk about why we needed therapy and what our goals are...which honestly include not killing him and trying to stay married.  My goals.  I am assuming our goals will morph as we go through this process. 

I am still unsure if husband is ready for this...I am trying to trust him when he says he is 100% commited but I have no choice but to go along for this ride so I have to believe him.  I said I wanted to try to save my marriage and that's what I'm doing.

Do I hurt still?  Absolutely...it's still as raw as it was in the days following the discovery.  Maybe even more so because the shock is wearing off.  Not to mention my husband has went back and forth on what he even wants.  He still as of 2 days ago was wanting the "other woman" (which is still insane to me because SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT HIM and NEVER DID!!!) but today he said that he has woken up.  That he realizes how wrong he was.  That he wants me and only me. I will believe him when he has shown me with his words and actions that he does want me and our life together.

So I am trying to just take one minute at a time when it's overwhelming and one hour at a time when it eases up. 

There is still 24 hours a day though and that's a lot of time. 

Will you go out with me?

Is it wrong that I almost feel excited that I get to "court" my husband again? Minus the emotional turmoil that he has caused me in the last week this may be good.  Right?  Or am I losing touch with reality now from physical exhaustion and is my mind just grasping for any sort of hope.

I mean, we get to fall in love again.  What couples get to do that in their relationship?  We get to find ourselves and each other again.  All the (horribly hard to read stuff) he wrote in that note on his phone about how she made him feel alive and sexy.  How he was enjoying exploring himself and another person...well don't we get to do that now?  Doesn't he now get to explore me again...who I am deep down.  The woman that I can be and not just the one with the roles of "mom" and "wife".  I am more than that and he forgot...I think I forgot too.  I actually know I did.

I had to sadly chuckle to myself today...

I just realized we have lived in our home together for 7 years. 

The fucking 7 year itch. 


I guess it is a real thing folks.  Who fucking knew. 

Will you forgive me?

He asked me if I'd ever forgive him? 

Well...yes.  Eventually.

 Now?  Absolutely not. 

How can I forgive any time soon when I literally feel broken in a million pieces.  You can't forgive when you hurt so so bad. 

I just learned about this affair.  I think I have pretty much the entire story now thanks to my husband's brutal honesty in his answers when I ask the questions.  Often questions I hear coming out of my mouth but I don't want the answer.  Deep down I need the answer so there are no speculations but damn it's hard to hear what he has said.

So I will eventually forgive.  I will have to see our new therapist a bunch I think.  I will have to forgive part by part.  But yes I will forgive.  Not for him though and our marriage...but for myself.  Because I don't think I will ever be healed and stable in our marriage until I have some sort of peace in my own heart.  Even if we divorce I will never heal if I don't forgive him...it has to be done.

Will I forget?  Unfortunately no.  This is not something you can ever forget.  My only hope is that the time span in between remembering gets longer and longer.

Day 1

Day 1. This is now day 1 of our restart. Our redo. I have to say goodbye to my marriage, the one I knew and hello to the new one. The one I don’t know. It’s scary and I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of a new world without a compass, without a map. I’m just thrown here against my will with nothing but the clothes on my back. I’m angry and pissed. I don’t want to be here. Not in the way it went down.



I already miss my old life and the feelings that I had. That security that my husband loves me and only me. The reassurance that his hands have only touched my body. That his lips only grazed mine. That safety and security is gone and I feel naked and vulnerable. I don’t want this….I want to go back to Thursday August 16^th. I knew our marriage was on the rocks because of financial issues and our disconnection but in my heart I knew he loved me and I loved him. I knew we’d get over this rough patch…a simple rough patch. It’s been a horrible 2 years for both of us and the light at the end of the tunnel was peering down on us. I was finally starting to feel happy again and hopeful. I even told him while we were driving that “with all we have been through I fully believe we will never divorce, we will make it for the long haul”. I said that in the same week that he was with “her”. Then August 17^th struck its blow of the mention of divorce. I was cutting potatoes for dinner. I stared at them in disbelief and at the sink as it slowly sunk in what my husband just said to me. I never saw it coming.



Then August 18^th hit. A blow harder than I have ever imagined. A scenario that I never could have predicted would happen to me. The words “I kissed her” are scarred into my mind and I can’t get it out of my head. I screamed and screamed…I don’t even fully remember what I said. I didn’t feel like myself as blackness started to whirl around my vision. I was about to pass out from shock in the immediate aftermath of finding that text and the confession that soon followed. He told me that it happened around 3 am. At that same time I was nursing our 1 month old daughter in our bedroom…3 am I was sitting on our bed oblivious to what was happening. That Saturday was a blur. A blur of intense physical pain that exploded in my heart, a shortness of breath, like an elephant was sitting on me. I looked at my children and hated my husband for what he had done to them. I kissed my newborn daughter that night and told her how sorry I was for bringing her into this world into this mess. I cried for my son, the one that loves his daddy so much and for his little 3 year old heart that won’t understand. Now for many years at least. I cried from them both and for myself. Giant sobbing tears followed by small tremors as the physical exhaustion wracked my body. It is true that you can cry until nothing comes out.



Then August 19^th hit and my pain was just intensified. After thinking my husband wanted to work on it I find that he left our home and wanted to be with “her”through more texts. But she shot him down and he supposedly “saw the light” and now realizes how stupid he was being. That he finally woke up. You know what I think? I am number 2. I am plan B. Plan A of staying with the other woman didn’t work out so now he wants to be with me. That is how I feel. It makes me furious and devastated and everything in between.

As I see it I only have two choices…I can believe that he is remorseful and wants to work on our marriage because he still loves me. Or I can choose to divorce him, kick him out and begin the process of just being co parents to our children. I have chosen to try to believe him but it’s hard. And there are waves of emotions inside me that go back and forth on my decision. I hate him and love at the same time. I just want my life back and my husband back. I want to feel safe again. I wonder if I ever will.

When the world stops.

August 18th 2012 is the day my world stopped and crashed.





It fell down. Burned. Time stopped.



My husband cheated on me. I have a one month old baby girl. Her umbilical stump just fell out and was still gooey for god sake. My son is 3 years old. My sweet sweet children didn't even know what was about to happen in their home.



I've never felt that sort of instaneous rage and pain in my life.



The day before my husband said he didn't know if he wanted to work on our marriage. . .never actually said the "D" word but it sure was implied. That night I cried and cried. . .clutching my newborn and praying for the morning when my husband would get home to soothe me. To tell me that he didn't know why he said those words. That we would be okay.



My husband got home alright. Not when he was supposed to though, he was late. It took everything I had to not call him and ask where he was. . .I finally broke down and texted him. I got a short answer of soon.  I feel a little bit of relief.  After he got home he ate in silence and then showered. He went to bed since he is on the graveyard shift and I had just gotten out of the shower. As I was standing there I hear a buzz coming from his phone. I turn my head and see a text message. . . it was long and at the head of it said Kristy B.



Kristy B. I don't know a Kristy B. I didn't know he knew a Kristy B.  And that really is her name.  Not sure if it's spelled with a C.  I don't frankly care.  And I won't make her anonymous.  If she finds this blog out of pure coincidence then so be.  She can read my words and feel the pain that she had a small hand in.



So I read the first line without thinking about it because the iphone previews texts and I freeze. I can tell this isn't going to be good. My heart starts to sink.



My husband is laying in bed and I can tell he knows I am about to find out. I ask him who is Kristy B. He says a friend. I ask him "Can I read the text". . .he says "go ahead".



I look at the phone and I want to run. Away from it. I don't want to look. I want to run away and let him delete it. I want to deny and stay in Lala-land.



But I don't. I pick the phone up and read the text. It confirms my fears. My husband is being unfaithful. I run with the phone into the living room and try to slow the spinning blackness that is swirling around me as I almost pass out. My heart hurts. I am furious. I am crushed.



Mostly I am scared.



He comes out and just stands there. I scream. I don't even fully remember what I screamed but I am and I feel like I am watching myself from out of body. My 3 year old witnesses the whole thing. A small part of me is yelling at myself to stop and get him out of the way. I don't. He hears me scream at his daddy. The other small part of me doesn't care.  I text her back...asking her if she knew we had a newborn.  She did. 



I scream. My husband stands there. I don't know what to do. So I keep screaming. We switch positions in our home and I end up in the hallway. My husband is now standing facing the other way towards me.  He looks shell shocked.  I continue to talk and scream and whisper as my voice feels like it's cracking. I see our wedding photo framed on the wall and I want to smash it. I am surprised it is still hanging.



A time later I stop screaming and start talking. I want to know details. I want to know how much. Why. When. Why. More details. I am shaking inside. I am destroyed. I don't understand.



I keep thinking about my kids and I don't understand even more. They are so innocent.



I want to run away. To put clothes on and just leave in the car. . .but I don't know where. I want to hit him. I want to make him hurt like I am hurting. I look at the person who is my husband and I don't recognize him.



I think I am dreaming and I can't breathe. I am trying to make sense of everything and I can't. My toddler is running around seemingly oblivious to the crying and screaming. When he asked me why I am crying I tell him my foot hurts. So he kisses the top of my foot to make it feel better. God he doesn't deserve this.



So this was the day my world stopped. I knew we had problems. We lacked connection and intimacy. I was looking forward to my 6 week postpartum checkup so I could be cleared for sex. I could not wait to have sex with my husband again. I was so excited. That amazes me that he had kissed another woman. The image plays in my head over and over. . .I don't even have a face to use because I don't know what she looks like. I want to know. . .I don't know why but I want to know. I have to know. She needs a face. She has a name: Kristy B. Kristy B. the home wrecker. And she knew we had two kids. Evidently my husband talked to her about our problems. I wonder if he mentioned the fact that he has placed no effort in fixing our marriage? I wonder if he told her that we are disconnected because of financial turmoil in our home. Because I've lost many many babies in the effort to have children and got a little depressed. I wonder if he told her the unbloomed rose tattoos on his back represent his babies. The ones that I lost in my womb. His wife's losses. I wonder if she knew all that.



I wonder if she tasted good and I shudder.



I want to kick him out. I want to hate him and hurt him. I want to take my children and protect them. I also don't want a divorce. It's a horrible fight in my mind. I want my marriage and my family to stay intact and whole. I didn't want this ever. . .I want my happy family of 4. We were so close to resolving our debt and to make a happier life for us. We've been through a lot. We just talked about in the last week how awesome it was going to be and the trips we want to take. In the same week that he was talking to Kristy B. That thought blows my mind.



Disbelief and shock run currents through me and I can't stop thinking of my kids and our past life. Of The life that I want back.



I don't know what's going to happen. I know I love him as stupid as is it. I just want my family. Heartbroken doesn't cover it. Who heals your heart when the person who should is the one that broke it?



All I can keep thinking is I don't want a divorce. I want to make this work. If he is willing to make this work than that's what I want. I don't exactly know what he wants.



Worst day of my life. The day it stopped. I hope to get it restarted again.