When the world stops.

August 18th 2012 is the day my world stopped and crashed.





It fell down. Burned. Time stopped.



My husband cheated on me. I have a one month old baby girl. Her umbilical stump just fell out and was still gooey for god sake. My son is 3 years old. My sweet sweet children didn't even know what was about to happen in their home.



I've never felt that sort of instaneous rage and pain in my life.



The day before my husband said he didn't know if he wanted to work on our marriage. . .never actually said the "D" word but it sure was implied. That night I cried and cried. . .clutching my newborn and praying for the morning when my husband would get home to soothe me. To tell me that he didn't know why he said those words. That we would be okay.



My husband got home alright. Not when he was supposed to though, he was late. It took everything I had to not call him and ask where he was. . .I finally broke down and texted him. I got a short answer of soon.  I feel a little bit of relief.  After he got home he ate in silence and then showered. He went to bed since he is on the graveyard shift and I had just gotten out of the shower. As I was standing there I hear a buzz coming from his phone. I turn my head and see a text message. . . it was long and at the head of it said Kristy B.



Kristy B. I don't know a Kristy B. I didn't know he knew a Kristy B.  And that really is her name.  Not sure if it's spelled with a C.  I don't frankly care.  And I won't make her anonymous.  If she finds this blog out of pure coincidence then so be.  She can read my words and feel the pain that she had a small hand in.



So I read the first line without thinking about it because the iphone previews texts and I freeze. I can tell this isn't going to be good. My heart starts to sink.



My husband is laying in bed and I can tell he knows I am about to find out. I ask him who is Kristy B. He says a friend. I ask him "Can I read the text". . .he says "go ahead".



I look at the phone and I want to run. Away from it. I don't want to look. I want to run away and let him delete it. I want to deny and stay in Lala-land.



But I don't. I pick the phone up and read the text. It confirms my fears. My husband is being unfaithful. I run with the phone into the living room and try to slow the spinning blackness that is swirling around me as I almost pass out. My heart hurts. I am furious. I am crushed.



Mostly I am scared.



He comes out and just stands there. I scream. I don't even fully remember what I screamed but I am and I feel like I am watching myself from out of body. My 3 year old witnesses the whole thing. A small part of me is yelling at myself to stop and get him out of the way. I don't. He hears me scream at his daddy. The other small part of me doesn't care.  I text her back...asking her if she knew we had a newborn.  She did. 



I scream. My husband stands there. I don't know what to do. So I keep screaming. We switch positions in our home and I end up in the hallway. My husband is now standing facing the other way towards me.  He looks shell shocked.  I continue to talk and scream and whisper as my voice feels like it's cracking. I see our wedding photo framed on the wall and I want to smash it. I am surprised it is still hanging.



A time later I stop screaming and start talking. I want to know details. I want to know how much. Why. When. Why. More details. I am shaking inside. I am destroyed. I don't understand.



I keep thinking about my kids and I don't understand even more. They are so innocent.



I want to run away. To put clothes on and just leave in the car. . .but I don't know where. I want to hit him. I want to make him hurt like I am hurting. I look at the person who is my husband and I don't recognize him.



I think I am dreaming and I can't breathe. I am trying to make sense of everything and I can't. My toddler is running around seemingly oblivious to the crying and screaming. When he asked me why I am crying I tell him my foot hurts. So he kisses the top of my foot to make it feel better. God he doesn't deserve this.



So this was the day my world stopped. I knew we had problems. We lacked connection and intimacy. I was looking forward to my 6 week postpartum checkup so I could be cleared for sex. I could not wait to have sex with my husband again. I was so excited. That amazes me that he had kissed another woman. The image plays in my head over and over. . .I don't even have a face to use because I don't know what she looks like. I want to know. . .I don't know why but I want to know. I have to know. She needs a face. She has a name: Kristy B. Kristy B. the home wrecker. And she knew we had two kids. Evidently my husband talked to her about our problems. I wonder if he mentioned the fact that he has placed no effort in fixing our marriage? I wonder if he told her that we are disconnected because of financial turmoil in our home. Because I've lost many many babies in the effort to have children and got a little depressed. I wonder if he told her the unbloomed rose tattoos on his back represent his babies. The ones that I lost in my womb. His wife's losses. I wonder if she knew all that.



I wonder if she tasted good and I shudder.



I want to kick him out. I want to hate him and hurt him. I want to take my children and protect them. I also don't want a divorce. It's a horrible fight in my mind. I want my marriage and my family to stay intact and whole. I didn't want this ever. . .I want my happy family of 4. We were so close to resolving our debt and to make a happier life for us. We've been through a lot. We just talked about in the last week how awesome it was going to be and the trips we want to take. In the same week that he was talking to Kristy B. That thought blows my mind.



Disbelief and shock run currents through me and I can't stop thinking of my kids and our past life. Of The life that I want back.



I don't know what's going to happen. I know I love him as stupid as is it. I just want my family. Heartbroken doesn't cover it. Who heals your heart when the person who should is the one that broke it?



All I can keep thinking is I don't want a divorce. I want to make this work. If he is willing to make this work than that's what I want. I don't exactly know what he wants.



Worst day of my life. The day it stopped. I hope to get it restarted again.