Rambling

It's amazing how up and down my emotions are and how painful this is becoming...the shock is wearing off and it's leaving me more susceptible to the pain. 

I am still committed to make this work and a small part of me is actually hopeful for our new relationship and new marriage that may bloom out of this disaster. 

It's just hard.  So extremely hard and the horrible thoughts that swirl in my head never end.  I try to make them at least slow but they don't...the thought that my husband, the man I loved with every fiber of my being, the man that is the father of my children, the man that I've known for half of my life wanted another woman.  He wanted her because she was "fun and outgoing"...because she was perfect, because she was pretty and thin and tan.  He wanted to leave me for her and to lay in her bed.  It's sickening.

Never mind the fact that she was so very ugly inside to purposely lead on a married man with two kids.

I am the faithful one.  I am the one that loved him even with all our issues and all the hard times we've had.  I am the woman who has stuck by his side with my head held high.  I am the woman who has the scars of stretch marks on my belly because I held his beautiful children.  I am the woman who has cooked his meals, scrubbed his toilet.  I am the woman who has held him all these years...in my heart and in my arms. 

I am the perfect woman and I am beautiful.  He just didn't know that and took me for granted.  Did I make mistakes during this marriage?  Absolutely.  We both did. 

But damn it I am perfect.  He (and she) will never take that from me.

Marriage counseling session #1 down...

Our first therapy session was today.  All we did was talk about why we needed therapy and what our goals are...which honestly include not killing him and trying to stay married.  My goals.  I am assuming our goals will morph as we go through this process. 

I am still unsure if husband is ready for this...I am trying to trust him when he says he is 100% commited but I have no choice but to go along for this ride so I have to believe him.  I said I wanted to try to save my marriage and that's what I'm doing.

Do I hurt still?  Absolutely...it's still as raw as it was in the days following the discovery.  Maybe even more so because the shock is wearing off.  Not to mention my husband has went back and forth on what he even wants.  He still as of 2 days ago was wanting the "other woman" (which is still insane to me because SHE DOESN'T EVEN WANT HIM and NEVER DID!!!) but today he said that he has woken up.  That he realizes how wrong he was.  That he wants me and only me. I will believe him when he has shown me with his words and actions that he does want me and our life together.

So I am trying to just take one minute at a time when it's overwhelming and one hour at a time when it eases up. 

There is still 24 hours a day though and that's a lot of time. 

Will you go out with me?

Is it wrong that I almost feel excited that I get to "court" my husband again? Minus the emotional turmoil that he has caused me in the last week this may be good.  Right?  Or am I losing touch with reality now from physical exhaustion and is my mind just grasping for any sort of hope.

I mean, we get to fall in love again.  What couples get to do that in their relationship?  We get to find ourselves and each other again.  All the (horribly hard to read stuff) he wrote in that note on his phone about how she made him feel alive and sexy.  How he was enjoying exploring himself and another person...well don't we get to do that now?  Doesn't he now get to explore me again...who I am deep down.  The woman that I can be and not just the one with the roles of "mom" and "wife".  I am more than that and he forgot...I think I forgot too.  I actually know I did.

I had to sadly chuckle to myself today...

I just realized we have lived in our home together for 7 years. 

The fucking 7 year itch. 


I guess it is a real thing folks.  Who fucking knew. 

Will you forgive me?

He asked me if I'd ever forgive him? 

Well...yes.  Eventually.

 Now?  Absolutely not. 

How can I forgive any time soon when I literally feel broken in a million pieces.  You can't forgive when you hurt so so bad. 

I just learned about this affair.  I think I have pretty much the entire story now thanks to my husband's brutal honesty in his answers when I ask the questions.  Often questions I hear coming out of my mouth but I don't want the answer.  Deep down I need the answer so there are no speculations but damn it's hard to hear what he has said.

So I will eventually forgive.  I will have to see our new therapist a bunch I think.  I will have to forgive part by part.  But yes I will forgive.  Not for him though and our marriage...but for myself.  Because I don't think I will ever be healed and stable in our marriage until I have some sort of peace in my own heart.  Even if we divorce I will never heal if I don't forgive him...it has to be done.

Will I forget?  Unfortunately no.  This is not something you can ever forget.  My only hope is that the time span in between remembering gets longer and longer.

Day 1

Day 1. This is now day 1 of our restart. Our redo. I have to say goodbye to my marriage, the one I knew and hello to the new one. The one I don’t know. It’s scary and I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of a new world without a compass, without a map. I’m just thrown here against my will with nothing but the clothes on my back. I’m angry and pissed. I don’t want to be here. Not in the way it went down.



I already miss my old life and the feelings that I had. That security that my husband loves me and only me. The reassurance that his hands have only touched my body. That his lips only grazed mine. That safety and security is gone and I feel naked and vulnerable. I don’t want this….I want to go back to Thursday August 16^th. I knew our marriage was on the rocks because of financial issues and our disconnection but in my heart I knew he loved me and I loved him. I knew we’d get over this rough patch…a simple rough patch. It’s been a horrible 2 years for both of us and the light at the end of the tunnel was peering down on us. I was finally starting to feel happy again and hopeful. I even told him while we were driving that “with all we have been through I fully believe we will never divorce, we will make it for the long haul”. I said that in the same week that he was with “her”. Then August 17^th struck its blow of the mention of divorce. I was cutting potatoes for dinner. I stared at them in disbelief and at the sink as it slowly sunk in what my husband just said to me. I never saw it coming.



Then August 18^th hit. A blow harder than I have ever imagined. A scenario that I never could have predicted would happen to me. The words “I kissed her” are scarred into my mind and I can’t get it out of my head. I screamed and screamed…I don’t even fully remember what I said. I didn’t feel like myself as blackness started to whirl around my vision. I was about to pass out from shock in the immediate aftermath of finding that text and the confession that soon followed. He told me that it happened around 3 am. At that same time I was nursing our 1 month old daughter in our bedroom…3 am I was sitting on our bed oblivious to what was happening. That Saturday was a blur. A blur of intense physical pain that exploded in my heart, a shortness of breath, like an elephant was sitting on me. I looked at my children and hated my husband for what he had done to them. I kissed my newborn daughter that night and told her how sorry I was for bringing her into this world into this mess. I cried for my son, the one that loves his daddy so much and for his little 3 year old heart that won’t understand. Now for many years at least. I cried from them both and for myself. Giant sobbing tears followed by small tremors as the physical exhaustion wracked my body. It is true that you can cry until nothing comes out.



Then August 19^th hit and my pain was just intensified. After thinking my husband wanted to work on it I find that he left our home and wanted to be with “her”through more texts. But she shot him down and he supposedly “saw the light” and now realizes how stupid he was being. That he finally woke up. You know what I think? I am number 2. I am plan B. Plan A of staying with the other woman didn’t work out so now he wants to be with me. That is how I feel. It makes me furious and devastated and everything in between.

As I see it I only have two choices…I can believe that he is remorseful and wants to work on our marriage because he still loves me. Or I can choose to divorce him, kick him out and begin the process of just being co parents to our children. I have chosen to try to believe him but it’s hard. And there are waves of emotions inside me that go back and forth on my decision. I hate him and love at the same time. I just want my life back and my husband back. I want to feel safe again. I wonder if I ever will.

When the world stops.

August 18th 2012 is the day my world stopped and crashed.





It fell down. Burned. Time stopped.



My husband cheated on me. I have a one month old baby girl. Her umbilical stump just fell out and was still gooey for god sake. My son is 3 years old. My sweet sweet children didn't even know what was about to happen in their home.



I've never felt that sort of instaneous rage and pain in my life.



The day before my husband said he didn't know if he wanted to work on our marriage. . .never actually said the "D" word but it sure was implied. That night I cried and cried. . .clutching my newborn and praying for the morning when my husband would get home to soothe me. To tell me that he didn't know why he said those words. That we would be okay.



My husband got home alright. Not when he was supposed to though, he was late. It took everything I had to not call him and ask where he was. . .I finally broke down and texted him. I got a short answer of soon.  I feel a little bit of relief.  After he got home he ate in silence and then showered. He went to bed since he is on the graveyard shift and I had just gotten out of the shower. As I was standing there I hear a buzz coming from his phone. I turn my head and see a text message. . . it was long and at the head of it said Kristy B.



Kristy B. I don't know a Kristy B. I didn't know he knew a Kristy B.  And that really is her name.  Not sure if it's spelled with a C.  I don't frankly care.  And I won't make her anonymous.  If she finds this blog out of pure coincidence then so be.  She can read my words and feel the pain that she had a small hand in.



So I read the first line without thinking about it because the iphone previews texts and I freeze. I can tell this isn't going to be good. My heart starts to sink.



My husband is laying in bed and I can tell he knows I am about to find out. I ask him who is Kristy B. He says a friend. I ask him "Can I read the text". . .he says "go ahead".



I look at the phone and I want to run. Away from it. I don't want to look. I want to run away and let him delete it. I want to deny and stay in Lala-land.



But I don't. I pick the phone up and read the text. It confirms my fears. My husband is being unfaithful. I run with the phone into the living room and try to slow the spinning blackness that is swirling around me as I almost pass out. My heart hurts. I am furious. I am crushed.



Mostly I am scared.



He comes out and just stands there. I scream. I don't even fully remember what I screamed but I am and I feel like I am watching myself from out of body. My 3 year old witnesses the whole thing. A small part of me is yelling at myself to stop and get him out of the way. I don't. He hears me scream at his daddy. The other small part of me doesn't care.  I text her back...asking her if she knew we had a newborn.  She did. 



I scream. My husband stands there. I don't know what to do. So I keep screaming. We switch positions in our home and I end up in the hallway. My husband is now standing facing the other way towards me.  He looks shell shocked.  I continue to talk and scream and whisper as my voice feels like it's cracking. I see our wedding photo framed on the wall and I want to smash it. I am surprised it is still hanging.



A time later I stop screaming and start talking. I want to know details. I want to know how much. Why. When. Why. More details. I am shaking inside. I am destroyed. I don't understand.



I keep thinking about my kids and I don't understand even more. They are so innocent.



I want to run away. To put clothes on and just leave in the car. . .but I don't know where. I want to hit him. I want to make him hurt like I am hurting. I look at the person who is my husband and I don't recognize him.



I think I am dreaming and I can't breathe. I am trying to make sense of everything and I can't. My toddler is running around seemingly oblivious to the crying and screaming. When he asked me why I am crying I tell him my foot hurts. So he kisses the top of my foot to make it feel better. God he doesn't deserve this.



So this was the day my world stopped. I knew we had problems. We lacked connection and intimacy. I was looking forward to my 6 week postpartum checkup so I could be cleared for sex. I could not wait to have sex with my husband again. I was so excited. That amazes me that he had kissed another woman. The image plays in my head over and over. . .I don't even have a face to use because I don't know what she looks like. I want to know. . .I don't know why but I want to know. I have to know. She needs a face. She has a name: Kristy B. Kristy B. the home wrecker. And she knew we had two kids. Evidently my husband talked to her about our problems. I wonder if he mentioned the fact that he has placed no effort in fixing our marriage? I wonder if he told her that we are disconnected because of financial turmoil in our home. Because I've lost many many babies in the effort to have children and got a little depressed. I wonder if he told her the unbloomed rose tattoos on his back represent his babies. The ones that I lost in my womb. His wife's losses. I wonder if she knew all that.



I wonder if she tasted good and I shudder.



I want to kick him out. I want to hate him and hurt him. I want to take my children and protect them. I also don't want a divorce. It's a horrible fight in my mind. I want my marriage and my family to stay intact and whole. I didn't want this ever. . .I want my happy family of 4. We were so close to resolving our debt and to make a happier life for us. We've been through a lot. We just talked about in the last week how awesome it was going to be and the trips we want to take. In the same week that he was talking to Kristy B. That thought blows my mind.



Disbelief and shock run currents through me and I can't stop thinking of my kids and our past life. Of The life that I want back.



I don't know what's going to happen. I know I love him as stupid as is it. I just want my family. Heartbroken doesn't cover it. Who heals your heart when the person who should is the one that broke it?



All I can keep thinking is I don't want a divorce. I want to make this work. If he is willing to make this work than that's what I want. I don't exactly know what he wants.



Worst day of my life. The day it stopped. I hope to get it restarted again.