Day 1

Day 1. This is now day 1 of our restart. Our redo. I have to say goodbye to my marriage, the one I knew and hello to the new one. The one I don’t know. It’s scary and I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of a new world without a compass, without a map. I’m just thrown here against my will with nothing but the clothes on my back. I’m angry and pissed. I don’t want to be here. Not in the way it went down.



I already miss my old life and the feelings that I had. That security that my husband loves me and only me. The reassurance that his hands have only touched my body. That his lips only grazed mine. That safety and security is gone and I feel naked and vulnerable. I don’t want this….I want to go back to Thursday August 16^th. I knew our marriage was on the rocks because of financial issues and our disconnection but in my heart I knew he loved me and I loved him. I knew we’d get over this rough patch…a simple rough patch. It’s been a horrible 2 years for both of us and the light at the end of the tunnel was peering down on us. I was finally starting to feel happy again and hopeful. I even told him while we were driving that “with all we have been through I fully believe we will never divorce, we will make it for the long haul”. I said that in the same week that he was with “her”. Then August 17^th struck its blow of the mention of divorce. I was cutting potatoes for dinner. I stared at them in disbelief and at the sink as it slowly sunk in what my husband just said to me. I never saw it coming.



Then August 18^th hit. A blow harder than I have ever imagined. A scenario that I never could have predicted would happen to me. The words “I kissed her” are scarred into my mind and I can’t get it out of my head. I screamed and screamed…I don’t even fully remember what I said. I didn’t feel like myself as blackness started to whirl around my vision. I was about to pass out from shock in the immediate aftermath of finding that text and the confession that soon followed. He told me that it happened around 3 am. At that same time I was nursing our 1 month old daughter in our bedroom…3 am I was sitting on our bed oblivious to what was happening. That Saturday was a blur. A blur of intense physical pain that exploded in my heart, a shortness of breath, like an elephant was sitting on me. I looked at my children and hated my husband for what he had done to them. I kissed my newborn daughter that night and told her how sorry I was for bringing her into this world into this mess. I cried for my son, the one that loves his daddy so much and for his little 3 year old heart that won’t understand. Now for many years at least. I cried from them both and for myself. Giant sobbing tears followed by small tremors as the physical exhaustion wracked my body. It is true that you can cry until nothing comes out.



Then August 19^th hit and my pain was just intensified. After thinking my husband wanted to work on it I find that he left our home and wanted to be with “her”through more texts. But she shot him down and he supposedly “saw the light” and now realizes how stupid he was being. That he finally woke up. You know what I think? I am number 2. I am plan B. Plan A of staying with the other woman didn’t work out so now he wants to be with me. That is how I feel. It makes me furious and devastated and everything in between.

As I see it I only have two choices…I can believe that he is remorseful and wants to work on our marriage because he still loves me. Or I can choose to divorce him, kick him out and begin the process of just being co parents to our children. I have chosen to try to believe him but it’s hard. And there are waves of emotions inside me that go back and forth on my decision. I hate him and love at the same time. I just want my life back and my husband back. I want to feel safe again. I wonder if I ever will.