"Bad" days suck. Really bad. You feel like you are doing soooo much better and then one thing can happen...one bad dream about your husband being with the other woman...one awful trigger can spiral you back down to feeling horrible.
My husband still thinks about the other woman here and there...he doesn't want to and is trying to make it stop. But yet she still persists in his brain. It makes me sad and pissed. How dare she inhabit any part of his mind still. I want her gone and I want it now. I know that's not how it works but oh well...I still wish it were so.
He still wonders what "could have been?" That hurts even more. Why does he care? I wish he'd focus on what he could do for OUR relationship. What he should have done at the time of the affair to save OUR marriage. But he still wonders what he could have done differently with HER.
It's painful. This whole thing is painful. I just want to feel secure and loved and good enough. That's it. It's really quite simple when you think about it.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Love is a Choice
We are doing tiny baby steps and sometimes great huge strides and choosing to fall back in love with each other. I have realized that love is a choice. It is a choice to love him. It's a choice for him to love me. I wake up and think of all the reasons that I married him. All the reasons I choose him to be the father of our children. I could think of all the reasons I could hate him and all the reasons why I shouldn't care anymore...but I don't.
I look at our wedding photos and realize that the love I felt for him on that day is the same love I feel now...even with the affair. The affair rocked our world but when it comes down to it the adoration and love I felt then is the same as now.
It's a comforting feeling...it makes me think that we will be okay in the long run. That we both are choosing to look at all the great things about each other and our relationship instead of the bad. It's not naivety per say...it's the choice we are making.
We still have a lot of work to do but I think the hardest part is over...we made our decision on what we both want and it's each other. Now it's just time to do what needs to be done to ensure that happens.
I am so excited for our new beginning...our fresh new start.
I look at our wedding photos and realize that the love I felt for him on that day is the same love I feel now...even with the affair. The affair rocked our world but when it comes down to it the adoration and love I felt then is the same as now.
It's a comforting feeling...it makes me think that we will be okay in the long run. That we both are choosing to look at all the great things about each other and our relationship instead of the bad. It's not naivety per say...it's the choice we are making.
We still have a lot of work to do but I think the hardest part is over...we made our decision on what we both want and it's each other. Now it's just time to do what needs to be done to ensure that happens.
I am so excited for our new beginning...our fresh new start.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)