Revelations

I have decided that my self worth is more than what I have quantified it in the past.

That I have dignity.

That I am good.

That I am beautiful.

That I am strong.

That I can be independent. 

That I can be a woman that my daughter will look up to one day.

That I have a duty to myself to love myself more than anyone else (except my kids).


This is what I have realized over the last couple weeks.  That nobody can make me happy and that only can come from within myself.  That I can share my happiness with my husband but I can not look to him for it.  It's been an eye opening experience to say the least.

So that is what I will do.  It won't be easy and it won't happen overnight...but little by little I am going to be independent.  I want to become happy again.  I want to find women (probably with children) that I can surround myself with for friendship.  I want to keep in touch with the women that I am already friends with and make sure those ties don't break even if most of them live many miles away from me.  I want to return to the workforce full time or darn close to it so I can contribute to our household as an equal. So maybe the more I work the less my husband has to and we can spend the time that we have so horribly neglected in the past together. 

Nothing excuses what he did to me and his family...nothing ever will excuse it.  It's something that we both will have to forgive.  My husband lost respect for me somewhere along the line and I am standing up for myself demanding that respect back.  I am accepting nothing short of it.

I want to right this ship.  I want to pull it out of the vortex that has been spinning and picking up speed for so long.  I can't do it alone so I look to my husband to do his share.  I ask of him nothing more than what I am willing to give myself.  And if he bails out of this marriage again then I'll pick up the pieces he left and go on without him.  Because my kids deserve it.  Because I deserve it. 

I won't love someone else to my own death.  Not anymore.